Lindsey Rhea- My Corner of the World

 

50 Men Crazy, then 50 Men Dead

I was watching a documentary the other day (I know, cool, right?) about Jamestown, one of America’s first colonies. You know, the one with John Smith and Pocahontas? I’m no history buff. In fact, in high school my AP European History teacher told me I was bad at remembering history. It was true. But, this documentary had a theory that because of a severe drought, the river that the colonists depended on became mixed with the ocean water. Many developed salt-water poisoning- a condition makes you go crazy with hallucinations, slowly and painfully shuts all your organs down, and kills you. They kept drinking the water, never satisfied, never realizing that it eventually would kill half the colony. 50 men crazy, then 50 men dead.

This last week has been like that for me. Okay, no death around here. But I feel like I am going crazy most days. To set the scene (just a disclaimer: I love my family and respect my husband immensely!): I have a “just turned three” year old girl who is also a tantrum thrower (h.o.l.y. c.o.w), a 1 ½ year old boy, a husband that is an MTL on campus by himself and gets unmotivated quickly, I’m leading a morning bible study with 8 girls, my house is always messy, and to top it off, my master bedroom isn’t the peaceful place it “should” be (read that in a book yesterday). Guilt. My husband has been discouraged because the weekly meeting numbers have been down, and we are thinking about taking a risk next semester and doing something totally different. And that is scary. Our marriage that is usually so life-giving to me has drained so much of my emotional capacity. Bubble baths don’t even help (now that is crazy, you know!?)

So, I want share my journal entry with you. I think most of us can relate in some way. I don’t know how long it had been since I had journaled… oh wait. June 12. Yikes. The performance sinner inside me wants to yell “JUST BECAUSE I DIDN’T JOURNAL DOESN’T MEAN I DIDN’T READ MY BIBLE OR PRAY, SO DON’T JUDGE ME SO QUICKLY!” Yeah, that is me smeared in sin. Okay, here goes…

“Dear Lord, I’m having a hard day. I feel on edge, short tempered, and angry. Show me what is going on in my heart. I can’t pinpoint a reason for this. What am I looking for right now? What am I not getting that I feel like I should? Anxiety is swallowing me, it feels. I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. Am I living this life in a self-righteous way? Show me the root of this anxiety! Disbelief? Distrust? Despair? Emptiness? What is the opposite of despair? Hope? What is hope, really? What am I hoping for? What lie do I believe that if I could only achieve this, or have this, or be this, then I would be happy? Is it a break from my kids? Jeff? Responsibility? Housework?

Lord, forgive me for this! Forgive me for my idolatry. Forgive me for not being thankful, for my anger, for my self-reliance. Forgive me for trusting in myself. Forgive me for yelling at Faith. Forgive me for the pride of “controlling” my anger in the car. Help me! Teach me the gospel again. Show me how to live it- to live as though I am righteous in your eyes, but at the same time remembering that all the credit goes to Christ. Forgive me for not remembering Christ. Teach me to follow you better- as a mom, as a wife, as a homemaker, as a staff. I want to be steadfast. I crave it. Thank you for forgiving me and redeeming me. Love, Lindsey”

I’m trying to identify the salt-water in my life. When I feel like I’m going crazy, or slowly dying (okay, soooo overdramatic), I need to ask myself- “What is this idol that has such tight control over me that I can’t function anymore without it?” Preach to myself: Jesus gives life. Christ is living water. Anything other than Christ is deadly poison.

So I tell you this: Don’t be crazy. Don’t be dead. Don’t drink salt water.

~Lindsey Rhea
Cru Staff serving at ECU